“What do you want?” is an interesting question. Especially when you don’t have an answer..

want

An interesting happened a couple of minutes ago to me as I received a text from a friend. The text, from a girl that I have grown close with over the last 6 months or so, was simple, but almost impossible to answer. Well, for me at least. The text went like this:

What’s something that you would like to have?

If you know anything about me when it comes to questions, you know that I am one of those cats, that likes ‘definition’… I like details. I like specifics.

I didnt have an answer for it directly so I jammed her up for time. I mean, I had an answer, but its not an answer of something tangible. I needed clarification and I asked for it, but she wasnt having it. She said, “Nothing? Nothing material? I cant really get more specific than, ‘what do you want?”

And that is where I’m lost.

Here is the thing. I’m in a decent position in life. I don’t really want for anything material other than big shit like a downtown Los Angeles high rise condo next to Staples Center. I want a season ticket on the floor next to the Jack Nicholson for Lakers games for the rest of my life. I want a girlfriend who looks like Cassie, can sing and dance and cook great Mexican food and who likes to f* all the time and enjoys watching sports and understands a dude who gets up at 5 in the morning on the weekends to watch Premier League soccer games and then blogs about them. I want a girlfriend who will turn in to my wife who knows how to roll joints like a champ and isnt afraid to get her hookah on. I want a girl who is perfect for me, but doesn’t give my best friend Christina pause. I want a girl that I can make happy and a girl that can make me happy. Finding that is harder than you can imagine.

Those are the things I want, because luckily I have a great job and I’m in the position to go buy the little shit that I want. If I want the new iPhone the only issue is do I want to wait in line for it. If I want a new pair of sneakers, I’m lucky enough to be able to make a text or two and get in contact with someone close who can get me kicks on a crazy discount or for free.99.

Its funny because my father is one of those dudes who likes to buy shit… and whenever the holidays come around or its my birthday, he always hits me with the, ‘what do you want?” question. I never have an answer.

During the holiday times, I have a lot of great friends and we used to do the white elephant thing or the secret santa gifts for friends thing and I never knew what to think about that stuff, because I don’t want anything.

I just want to be around the people that make me happy. I just want to have a great meal and drinks some overpriced alcohol and tell the same stories that we have told a million times over, and make memories that the details of which I will forget.

Honestly, I listen to this song all the times because in reality, thats the only thing that I want. I want every night, to be like that. We’ve all had them. I’ve had a lot of them, but every one is better than the last.

But, after the corny shit, I’m a little bit lost and start thinking about if there IS anything that I really want… last night, ironically, I sent out a text to three people that are close to me, that are also up late at night and dont mind getting super late texts from me and it said something like this:

We are going to do something great that is going to change the world. I dont know what it is, or how its going to happen, but we will do it. I dont know if its a long term thing or a short term thing, but I believe that we will.

Now, I may have had a couple of scotches in me. I may have been sick for the last few days so I wanst thinking straight, and I sent a totally absurd text out there, but I actually believe that. I remember when I was a kid. Literally. I was like 12 years old and I came up with this saying that has stuck with me until this day. I’ve never shared it or gotten it tattooed on my body or anything like that, but its something that lives with me every day of my life. The saying is, “Destiny is my redemption.”

Back when I thought of that, I was in a very different place. I was a kid that never really felt comfortable with where I was in life. My parents were getting divorced, I probably had broken up with a girlfriend. Even though I thought I was a handsome son of a… I used to get made fun of because I had big eyes and a big head. I even had an issue with my dad because he wouldn’t let me play on a club basketball team, even though I was averaging like 34 a game in junior high school, because I had gotten a C grade in history class. Thats no bullshit by the way, I was dropping 30 on ninjas on the reg in the general Pomona area, but I was young. But I digress. Life was easy really, but for a 12 years old, I thought shit was rough.

I thought that I was living a hell of a life and all of the stuff that I went through, somehow, would mean something later in life. And it did. And it does. I always thought that I was destined to be something great and all of it would work out in the end and I would point back to that adolescence shit and smile because it made me get there.

But as I got older, I realized that I hadnt had it that tough. Maybe I did, but other people had it worse. I’ve got friends who have experienced illness, who have lost parents, who have lost a lot more than I ever did even though to me it seemed like it was everything. I have a helluva life and I dont want for anything and that in itself feels like redemption to me. Could it be better? Of course it could. It always could. Could it be worse, HYFR! I know it can because I have people close to me that are suffering.

Often, like everyday, people walk up to you and just randomly ask you how you are doing. I ALWAYS respond, “GREAT!” or “AWESOME!” and then I ask how they are. You know what makes me happy every time? Its that I can see that whatever the hell I just said, throws people a little bit. Not necessarily because it jams them up, but because me saying that makes them think about how they are doing and it starts a little convo that ends up with us both deciding that today is going to be great for everyone.

Am I always feeling great? Fuck no. But even if I’m not, I’m doing pretty damn good. Long time ago I decided that my destiny may be a little more lowkey than I had projected before. Maybe my destiny isnt on some grand scale but just an every day thing. I suppose that for most people, just is the destiny. On some other shit, I have had minor bouts with celebrity and to be quite honest, I dont want to be on a grand scale. I know that I’d be happy to make a different in the everyday lives of the people around me.

I dont know if Im on topic right now, I dont even know if this still makes any sense or if I’m just rambleposting at this point, but at the end of it all, I think what I want, is definitely not something material, its just something super regular. I want to be happy. I want to make people happy. And I just want to be the fullest person that I can be.