Some shit in life just doesn’t make sense.

I got a phone call just now that you never expect to get. A family member of a very close friend took his own life this morning.

To preface it, I say a family member of a very close friend but that doesn’t tell the whole story. Its a person that I know and knew in high school, that married into the family of my close friend that I talk to all the time. So I knew this cat and I know that family very well.

I wont go into details of what happened because that is not my place or my business.

The reason that I am writing this is to be honest, is because nowadays, the blogosphere is the one true way that I know how to release shit that is on my mind. I can just type it out and leave it be.

Its funny how this social networking thing works because my guy called me and part of the discussion was that he wanted me to hear it from him, just in case something stupid came across the social networks at some point that coloured it wrong. I guess in a lot of ways I might be doing just what he said and putting something out there that doesn’t need to be put out there, but I hope that if by some chance anyone reads this, its not taken in any way to be disrespectful, its just me finding a way to exhale.

After slide-hanging up the phone, I had a few thoughts:

I’ve never understood suicide. I don’t know if Ive been too scared to understand it. If I’m too emotionally devoid to understand it. Maybe my non-understanding is since I have never dealt with it first hand. But it is something that has always baffled me. I read a lot on various subjects, so I get that for someone to take a drastic step like this with their life, they had to be dealing with some shit, some demons, something that they felt so overwhelmed to act on, that they felt this, was the only way for the shit to stop.

If that is what it is, you wonder or I wonder at least, what the hell in life could make someone feel that way?

Another thing that I think about with suicide is that its such an aggressive move for someone to make. Its borderline a super aggressive move toward the people in their lives, because this in its rawest sense is their final statement to the world – because to me there more than just the one tragedy when it comes to suicide. On one hand there is the tragedy of the loss of that persons life. But there is also the tragedy that dominoes onto everyone else that becomes affected by this.

There is the tragedy that each person, connected to that person. “Ah man, was it a text message that I could have sent the other day” or, “damn, I mean, I just saw ole girl post something on facebook the other day” or “I just saw a picture on instagram from homie” or, “I could have swore that the last time I saw them they were telling me that they were on top of the world” or, whatever …. but the last thing we know, is this.

How do we process that? How do we get through our tragedy? You wonder if that person every thinks about that, BUT then you think, “Whatever I am feeling is NOTHING compared to what that person is feeling that they did “this” to themselves.” That is the scariest shit about suicide to me. The physical torment is one thing but that is momentary, the mental pain is a whole other ball game. That person has been dealing with it for a while and the people left behind will presumably deal with it for who knows how long.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family in these moments. RIP. You will be missed. My thoughts and prayers go out to all who will be affected by this in the coming hours, days, weeks, months, and years. Lean on each other.

I remember last year when the director Tony Scott took his own life, and I wrote something on TOW about the tragedy of suicide.

I will never understand the torment in ones life, that would make them want to end theirs. I LOVE my life. But I also realize that there are people suffering out there in the world, that think this is the only thing that they can turn to when they have bad times. I’m sad that Tony Scott is gone. I’m sad that he took his own life. i’m sad that THIS was his solution. I’m sad that there are countless other people that feel the same way, and come to the same ending, that we will never hear about or have the chance to help because they dont show up on TMZ or they aren’t famous.

Lets let moments like this serve as a reminder that if you are in the position to be positive, it is something that you have to do [BE POSITIVE] because you never know how that may affect someone around you that is hurting. If you are out there hurting, know that this isn’t the way to solve it.

I think about it and the part that stands out the most to me is the second one and interestingly enough, I have been putting A LOT of thought in to this recently. Its just stay fucking positive. If you are in that position, if you are in any position, do your hardest to look at the positives in life because believe me they are fleeting and you also never know how your positivity can affect another person who may not be in a good place.

I wonder to myself why this happens. I wonder to myself why a highball of scotch and a cigarette couldnt help this person or that person get through a rough time like it always helps me get through a rough time. I wonder why this person didnt call their best friend, or go and play playstation or cut on the Tv and watch the Lakers or their favorite movie or whatever.

But then again, that may be what works for me. I dont ever feel suicidal, but even when I am down, just shooting a text to my friend Christina and getting a random reply (possibly hours later) is something that makes everything seem alright. Texting a buddy and putting out the beacon that I need to get a drink and then talking about why the hell Chelsea keeps putting Romelu Lukaku out on loan with Ben is something that makes it alright. Calling up my guy Justin and getting frustrated for the millionth time with what the Lakers are doing to our beloved team (all the while figuring out how many Sunday games we are going to BBQ for) is something that makes it alright for me. These are moments that I know, they dont even know, that they are being my support for some bullshit I am dealing with. I wish everyone had something like that.

I wish we could help every person in the world that feels like they dont have a solution, but I dont know if that is even possible. I can’t make sense of this and I hate that there are people out there that believe this is a solution for them. I hope that no one I know, or no one that knows somebody that I know, or somebody that knows I know that I know knows ever feels like they are not connected to someone or something that they need to do this. I dont even know if I’m making sense at this point because I’m feeling some type of way and the L is kicking in but I just needed to write something out.

I hope this wasnt disrespectful at all, i hope this doesnt have too many typos (because I didnt proofread I’m just typing before the scotch settles), but I hope that this makes us all think and evaluate our own happiness and I hope that if anyone feels that they may do something, they know that they have people to talk to and to call and there is always another solution. Suicide aint it.

There are hotlines out there and if you are my friend and you know me, call me. If you dont want to talk to me, just tell me you need to talk to my dad. Know that he can help, he has training for this sort of thing, I will put you in touch with him in a second because we can’t have this stuff happening.

RIP homey.